27 January 2012

In need of my secret place

Disclaimer: If you have issues with me writing about the truth of going through a divorce, please leave this post right now. This is my life and my blog, and I would be leading you on to make you believe life is all peachy keen while going through this process.

So you've been fairly warned. If you are sticking around to read more, you should know something about me. I'm not bitter about my divorce. I've been freed by the one who has the power to free me and has made me whole.

I'm struggling today. Today is one of those days where I've started and just can't seem to stop. Now I'm in a full blown "I hate this" fit and I'm fighting to be normal around my son.

Let's get into a little background. When I decided to leave Baltimore in 2009, it is because I wanted to give myself the best chance to live my best life. I still remember my father's words over the phone that day - "Come home. Let us love on you and Trey."

That's exactly what I did. I came home and let my family love on us, adore us and give me time to get it together. Something else happened - my leaving forced me back into God's arms. I had been neglecting him while I was married.

God worked on me - alot. He took a lot of things out of me - unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, hurt. I feel like he gave me an open heart surgery.

He did something else though, that has meant the most to me, he gave me time. When I left Baltimore, I immediately hired an attorney - only to learn I would have to stay legally separated for a year before we could actually file for a divorce. What seemed like an antiquated law on the books at the time to keep a woman subject to her husband, actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That year of "having" to be separated before we could rush to the courthouse gave me the time to allow God to do some work on me.

That first year led into a second year with still very little change either way. In fact, I guess you could say from the outside looking in things looked like they were getting significantly worse - except for the fact that what you see is on the outside, and God was performing His work on me from the inside.

These past two years brought a lot of change in me and Munchkin's life, but we're surrounded in love and God's grace has been nothing short but amazing.

But tonight I'm uneasy - even though I know God has brought me so much peace. Me and Munchkin's father had a difficult day dealing with grown up stuff, so when I saw he was on Skype, I thought it would be great for them to talk so we can both be reminded who is most important here.

Now, I'm more frustrated. Now, I'm the one that has to answer the questions I know I'm ok. I know God's got it. But every time I can't help but ask why? In my eyes it just doesn't make sense.

So I'll goof around with Munchkin until bedtime and then find my secret place so that me and Him can spend some time together. I'm looking forward to that. I know He will remind me I'm His chosen. I know He'll remind me I'm beautiful and He's in control. I love Him for this.

Somedays, life is just harder than others. That's why I'm so grateful for God's grace. It is over and beyond sufficient.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 2:9


  1. I see GROWTH...God is good...can't wait to see what he develops in you!

    1. Yes! He has begun a new work in me! I'm so grateful.


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