17 May 2012

All in the Summer Plans

Last summer I was working like a mad woman. When I look at my calendar, I was basically working in 3 different offices and was pulling 14-16 hour days. It was this madness that made me believe sending my 3 year old son to Baltimore with his dad for 6 weeks.  It all made sense. I was working like crazy, he was off from school, so instead of paying for a summer camp here, pay for one there and let him spend some good quality time with his family.

My journals from those 6 weeks only talk about one thing - how much I miss my son. How much my heart aches without him being home. How I literally didn't know what to do with myself without the questions, playing, laughing, cooking dinner, bathing, bed time.  It was hard.

Fast forward one year, and here we are on the brink of summer vacation.  This year, all I want is to spend time with my little man while he is off from school.  I mean the school year is crazy.  I'm up by 5:30,  journaling and praying, studying the Word. Lunch, clothes, backpacks packed. Munchkin's up, dressed, fed, and we're out the door by 7:15.  3:15 comes fast.  So this summer, I want our time.

I am looking forward to a simple summer.  Just me and him.  Two days ago, the idea came up from my mother-in-law that perhaps we come out for a week and go to the beach.  It sounded good but I made it very clear - there must be ground rules.  Those same ground rules are what would cause an explosion yesterday morning with him.  Power. Control. Who gets to decide what? I'm protective mama bear and dammit, the world is crazy out there. We play by my rules.

Power. Control. Who gets it?

So I went for my morning run. I was mad. Furious really. I started crying. Lord I really don't want this cross.  Power. Control. Then it hit me. At any moment, I can change how I view this situation. Power. Control. I can't lose that.

I'm tired of conceding. I'm tired of always making it work but how does it work if I don't make it happen?

Power. Control. I want it.

So by the end of the day me and him had a phone conversation. An actual phone conversation. We play by my rules. We don't have to come. I want my simple summer back.

I pulled out my journal and I wept. Lord. Why must this be so hard?

Today, I still don't have the answers but I found peace. Somewhere. Just because I'm crazy enough to believe that God will take care of it.

We will go visit this summer. I'm actually looking forward to it. On my terms.

Life lessons - all in the summer plans.


  1. I'm sorry things are rough right now. I'm sure as the years go on, things will only get better. Keep your head up :-)

    1. Thank you Lisa. I just want to keep Trey in the bubble of life ive created here. Id love to hear more about your journey as a stepmom.

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