Everyday I check old journals to see if I wrote on that day a year, two years, five years ago. Some days there are entries in past journals, some times there are huge gaps in when I last wrote. As I do every day, this morning I checked my journal and a year ago I asked this question of myself:
Am I ok with being by myself?
I am unsure as to why I wrote this question. The prior entries talk about how happy and excited I was about building my Scentsy business. My sister and I had just traveled to Idaho to visit Scentsy headquarters and attend Director Bootcamp. So, I am unsure as to why, in the middle of all this happiness, I asked myself that question.
I get asked all the time - "are you dating anyone"? This question really isn't as easy to answer as a simple yes or no. For the past 2 1/2 years God has been completely protective of me. It isn't that I have met guys and I'm like no - they aren't for me. God hasn't even let any non-good things to come in front of my face. This initially wasn't my prayer nor my desire, but now it is. I have asked God to completely protect me from the wrong person until the right person comes along. I have to. I come as a 2-for-1 deal and you have to be right for me and my Munchkin. We're a package deal.
So here we are a year later to the day, and I can answer that question.
Niecy, you have never been by yourself.I know. I know. So cliche, right?
The reality of it is, I am not alone. Every day there is a desire deep inside of me to experience marriage again, the right way. Every day there is a strong desire in me to be with the one God has prepared me for. That's just reality. The desire, however, to please God and to keep Him first in my life is greater.
I'm still learning to be completely and madly in love with God. I tried marriage the other way before. It didn't work. I want to try it God's way the next time, and how can I do that unless I know how to love like God loves.
I'm in a season of being totally, madly in search of learning to love. I want to be completely satisfied with God. I want to be wooed by His unfailing love and completely covered in His presence so that I lack nothing. I know then, and only then, can I compliment the man He has created just for me.
This is love.