Yes it is 1am here and I am wide awake. Tomorrow (or today rather) is a day I have been waiting for. I haven't had a sleepless night like this in quite some time, but I'm excited for tomorrow.
Since I am up, I decided to come here to write. To write about something that is always on my heart and my mind. This is where I give my disclaimer that if you don't want to delve into a bit of my real personal life, not just the fun happy times, please excuse yourself now.
Recently, I was speaking to one of my really good friends and this topic came up. She is dating a really great guy but he has a child. She made a comment that he spends his free time with his son and she feels like she is in a relationship by herself. I immediately asked "you don't want to be a stepmother, do you?"
You see for me, this is the greatest question I have to ask before I can even think about dating. You can love me all you want, but if your desire to be in my son's life isn't equal to that, there's no need for us to even talk. I feel the same way about the other side.
As a mother, as the one who carried this amazing little boy for 9 months, experienced many sleepless nights, and am challenged every day to be better, to grow, and to stretch out of my own selfish desires to fulfill his, I can't imagine my son being around someone who doesn't absolutely desire to have him in their life, but simply tolerates it because they want to be with his dad. Truth.
This is where I am seeking truth. This is where I am praying daily for peace. I know what it is like to be tired, frustrated, and all the other things we feel in life, and have to put that aside to care for my child. I do it, and I'll always do it, because I love him. Because God blessed me with him and entrusted him in my care. I don't want someone around my son that doesn't feel the same way.
When I try to tell this to D2 it's like screaming at a brick wall. He's not able to comprehend it. Just as I was stirring over how I would write this, a scary statistic popped up in my news feed on Facebook. I tweeted the picture and then deleted it from my phone. It's not something I want to archive on my blog. It said "children are 100% more likely to be killed by a non-biological parent". Well, that just scares me. This to me says, you need to make sure people are tried and true before you bring them around your child (for me that means ALOT of testing the spirit by the Spirit).
So maybe the every day person thinks I'm being a little extreme. The back story here is more complicated. Of course, it always is. Something triggered in me while talking to my girlfriend today though, because I love her dearly. I realized that if she were the one dating my son's father, I wouldn't want her around my child, because her heart wouldn't be for my child, it'd be for his dad. It's not necessarily about a person, but for me it's about the person's heart.
I love how Micca Campbell says in her book An Untroubled Heart that we need to pray for God to protect us, shield us, until the right one comes along. When the right one does come, they'll want to date us as a family. I certainly am waiting for that, but I do not feel the other one did. So I am stuck playing mama bear, protector, voice of reason, all while seeming like the one trying to block their relationship.
This post didn't come out as eloquently as I had hoped. If you have ever gone through a separation or divorce, or were a child of divorced parents, I would love to hear your comments.