Something so unexpected, so unbelievable, so unnerving happened to me yesterday evening. What I intended to be a conversation voicing my concerns turned into a full-on assault of my character, the woman I am, and what God has brought me through.
I went to bed with it last night and woke up to it this morning. I laughed about it. Cried about it. Surrendered it over and over again. I laid in bed and just felt like evil was trying to fester in my spirit.
Someone who should be one of the last people on the planet I have to worry about exposed to me that they have been reading my journals that I left behind. Journals that I most likely used in my early twenties when I was discovering myself. Journals that I probably told some of my most detailed secrets to about myself and my feelings of others at the time. Journals that were a safe space for me to say all the things an insecure, unsure, 20-something would do. Journals that chronicled probably some of the darkest times in my life with a failed engagement, trying to find myself after college, and then entering into a marriage that was not the best choice. These journals tell the story of how I became the woman I am today.
Those journals, those thoughts, feelings, imperfections so close to me, have been positioned by someone to be used against me. In this moment, typing this, I feel tears welling in my eyes because I feel violated. It is not even about what's in the journals. I am sure there are some not so nice things. I was in such a dark place during that time in my life that I couldn't celebrate anything good in anyone. I didn't like people. I didn't love people the way I do now. The way I am able to now.
Then I sat up in bed, and I felt like a gushing wind came over me. God immediately started speaking to my spirit - so what if someone intends to do evil to you, I will turn it around for your good. I got this. Trust me. Do not worry.
I've felt hung-over from this whole fiasco all day. As I searched for words to describe how I feel, I started to remember that this has absolutely nothing to do with me. It is sad that someone would feel the need to read the journal of any young woman... (I say young woman because whatever journal this is is probably from when I was 23 or 24). They are obviously searching for an imperfection in me to validate their feeling about me and let me tell you - if it is from my early 20s - they got what they were looking for. Secondly, the whole threat of posting my journal on Facebook...that has nothing to do with me. Everything to do with them. At some point today I just had to snap out of it and remind myself it is none of my business. What other's think of me doesn't deserve my energy and it is not really about me anyways.
If you've read my blog for awhile or been connected with me on Twitter for any amount of time, you know I have never professed to being perfect. I have never acted like I don't struggle with many of the things women struggle with - insecurities, doubt, debt, flaws. I simply know that God is greater than all of that and the work He has begun in me is greater than all of that....and there's not anything from my life I would change - even if the words I used in my own safe space are now being used against me.
It makes you look good when you avoid a fight only fools love to quarrel. -Proverbs 20:3