Last New Year's Eve I excitedly created my 30 Before 30 list of all the wonderful things I wanted to focus on accomplishing over the next 18 months. I've had a blast checking some things off the list....and still have quite a few to go!
This NYE, I'm a bit more pensive. For starters, I didn't sleep last night at all. I was suffering from a migraine that was undoubtedly stressed induced - from work, from personal stuff, from life.
2013 has been an amazing year. I have opened my heart wide again after a very long time, traveled alot - Baltimore, California, Indianapolis, Vegas, Delaware, LA, London, Paris, and Baltimore again. This year has been amazing!
I have been feeling really excited about the new year. I am excited about being more disciplined this year in order to cross off some of the major items on my 30 list like being debt free. I'm excited about the things that are going to happen in my Scentsy business, the 25th anniversary we will be celebrating at work, my son growing more and more, and the #365journalchallenge. Yet tonight I find myself in a very quiet, unexcited mood.
Most people reading this are probably thinking...geesh...what a drab way to bring in a new year. The reason I am being totally transparent in this moment is because I think it is important to share that with all the joy comes some very difficult nights. I have had more sleepless nights and appetite-less days at the end of this year than I have had in several years. As my spirit feels greater things coming in 2014, so too do I know that with all the great moments comes a bit of struggle. The late in the midnight moments where it's me and God....and I'm begging Him to pull me through.
I've been humbled a lot over the past year. I have always prayed that my transparency would bless someone and help them. I have prayed over and over again for God to enlarge my territory to allow more people to experience His love.
So part of my pensive attitude tonight is because I am a bit overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by my dear sister friend who wrote me and said "thank you for being you and loving me back to life'. I'm overwhelmed by my dear sister friend who wrote me and said " thank you for the many talks and just feeding me spiritually". I'm overwhelmed by the YouTube comment saying "I can tell you really love The Lord". People make these comments to me and have no idea the major impact they have on me. Just typing this brings me to tears.
Because, I'm honestly just a messed up girl from Alamogordo, New Mexico who has had to learn lessons from life - sometime the really hard way. (hence my #niecyisms). I love the Lord with all my heart and yet I fail Him every single day of my life. I want to be a supermom to my son but yet sometimes I just need peace and quiet to sit with my thoughts and I don't want to play Uno or read a book. My relationship with my son's father is not the best right now, and yet God called me to lead people to connect with Him daily through the #365journalchallenge. I constantly am pouring into myself so that out of my overflow I have something to give to others. So when dear friends tell me I've "loved them back to life or fed them spiritually" or inspired them..or helped them....I don't know whether to feel like a fraud or to thank God for His grace. Of course I know it's nothing but His grace.
I think part of my mood this evening is because I have a feeling that God is about to call me deeper this year. Which means my messed up self has to do my work. Everything you see me post. Every #niecyism, every #365journalchallenge post, has been ministered to me first and I have had to sit with myself, my messed up self, and work through it. Because I know how much I've labored in this, I am a bit terrified of what the battle will be like when He chooses to take me deeper.
Then I just have to be real myself and acknowledge that part of my mood is because I feel like something I prayed for, fasted for, waited for is slipping away from me faster than I can hold on. So tonight is also a night of letting go and letting God. Afterall, no matter the outcome, I desire His will above anything I could hope or dream. Period.
This is absolutely not a woe is me post. I am giddy with anticipation for what God is going to do in 2014. I'm just taking a different approach to entering it this year. I've literally been praying since last night, and since I haven't been to sleep, I've written about 12 pages in my prayer journal off and on today.
Thank you for sowing in to my life. Thank you for your messages that say I inspire you. Thank you for allowing God to use me to touch your heart. It is simply an overflow of how He is touching mine. Your notes bless me in ways you could not imagine.
This year I pray to let my life speak love. Use me Lord.
Happy New Year!