I'm pretty sure by now you think I'm a complete basket case from the way my posts have gone the past few months. Let me be clear. I am.
Phew. Ok. Now that that is out the way, we can go on with today's post.
I am a Christian. I love God with all my heart. I believe in His Word and His promises for my life. I walk in faith.
I am also a woman. A woman whose mind runs wild. Who overthinks everything and says too much. I laugh out loud and cry in private. I love life and dancing in the light but have also had some extremely dark days. I've always been a loud mouth and not so perfect child. I think I know everything and also like learning about things I don't know. I often think I'm right but generally don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. I've sinned. Time and time again. My life is a blueprint on how to live perfectly imperfect. I'm a mess.
About a week ago I posted this picture on Instagram because it felt so good to my soul. I'm in a season of God gently whispering to me to trust Him. My faith is being stretched beyond anything I'm comfortable with and sometimes it feels like I'm suffering silently. When I posted this I was in a strong moment of you know what, no matter these crazy feelings and thoughts I'm having, I will not be moved. (See y'all thought I post all this stuff to be preachin. Nope. I be encouraging myself).
I've been in this season for months. It's not bad. It is extremely uncomfortable. It sort of feels like every card is stacked against me. Like every thing I was walking in pure bliss over last year is being taken way. Some of my goals seem to have been kicked down the road in a game of hide and go seek. It's just been real.
But yet He keeps whispering to me.
It doesn't help that I have been going nonstop. Between work, Scentsy, and Munchkin's activities, there has been absolutely no chill. It doesn't look like it will slow down anytime soon either. (Not complaining, I'm grateful). All of this however led to a straight up kicking and screaming breakdown yesterday. I withdrew. I spilled out. I moved.
I didn't waiver that God is working things out I can't see but I did get tired of waiting. I took things into my own hands - well you know - I thought what I was doing was going to make me feel better or make something move. Of course we know, God is not moved by my tantrums. Have you ever been there?
So instead of calling myself the biggest hypocrite in the world that a week after standing in resolve that I will not be moved, I give myself some grace (which doesn't always flow freely from me to me), and admit that sometimes I find myself totally moved - by my feelings, by my emotions, by my unbelief. I am not moved, however, that I trust and serve a God who is not moved. It has nothing to do with me.
So, today I'm back standing on His word. Believing in His promises. Trying to be stronger in my faith and trust Him with every fiber of my being. At the end of the day y'all - I'm just a messed up basket case. Thank God He is in control.