04 May 2014

Mommy Guilt

Perhaps I naively always thought my son wouldn't notice that his cousins and friends have siblings. I mean - like our ratio is pretty good. My sister and brother -in-law have 2 kids so they're striking the same ratio as Munchkin and me. 

But he has noticed. And he tells everyone.

For a few weeks now he's told me almost everyday that he's praying for a baby brother or sister.  Well that may be all cute and endearing when you're happily married and choosing not to try and conceive. It's a whole different level of guilt when you're single and don't know when you will remarry or have another child. 

I'm generally not one to sit in guilt very long - but this one is one I have no control over. Zero. I can't fix it.

So I laugh it off because honestly, Munchkin is everything I prayed for.  Do I desire to have more children? Absolutely.  Have I started doing the math of "ok...so if I had a baby in 20xx, Munchkin would be x years old. When he is 17, his baby brother or sister will be xx." Yep...I do that.

I recently saw a friend who married a wonderful woman and has made her son his son.  He proudly wore a shirt that said "Coach" from his son's team he was coaching.  I thought silently to myself "Lord, when does my son get that?" 

It wasn't a jealous prayer. It was just one of those silent whispers between God and I of my heart's desire. 

I love my current ratio of Munchkin and me.  We've been together the past 5 years...can you believe it? (He turns 6 next month).  I am grateful for every moment of our life...but in my spirit...I feel myself desiring more.  I feel myself wanting to have an answer when he asks "when?"  

Then I find myself crying on our Munchkin and me date watching Spider Man 2. When he says "maybe we're not on different paths. You are my path." I mean really?! What the heck!?

This is a big step for me.  I think in the past I have been afraid to say "hey, I'm ready for marriage and to build our family again."  I know the way God has lined things up that He is doing a major work in me.  There's some lesson I needed to learn.


What season are you in where God is planting desires in your spirit and making you wait for them all at the same time?  

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