14 July 2014


A few weeks ago I read a blog post about the disservice single black women have done themselves (we'll just keep it short and say #sbw for this post).  I cannot remember where I read the post, so if you know, please send it to me so I can link it here.  Basically, the author was saying that because there has been so much talk about the single black woman and the apparent lack in men to date and marry these #sbw's, overdegreed #sbw's, underdegreed men, etc., etc., that we have created a climate of hostility for men to approach us.  Obviously you can tell by how much my synopsis is lacking that I didn't read the full article.

Fast forward a few weeks to a conversation I had with someone who I value dearly and who I enjoy having engaging, although not always agreeable, conversations with.  He was telling me how he was over the story of #sbw getting mad when men are not ready to settle down and commit, or "threatening" to date white men because black men weren't worth it, so on and so on.  My reaction in this conversation and generally any other time a conversation about #sbw comes up is almost non-existent.  I am single. I am black. I am a woman.  Yet I don't identify with what society has now defined, or as  in the article I mentioned at the beginning of this post we have defined, as the #sbw.  It is almost like I have this conversation from the outside looking in because society tells us the #sbw is just waiting to meet a man and get married and the apparent shortage of these said men has created a hunger games-esque prowl.  I don't buy it. Maybe it's because I've been married. Maybe because I'm busy raising my little boy.  Maybe it's because I've always been open to interracial dating. My first boyfriend in the sixth grade was Mexican-American for goodness sake!

As I walked away from this conversation, I started to get bothered by it.  You see, in my opinion it's dangerous.  It is a slippery slope.  Like there is a perception that there's this vast pool of #sbw just waiting to be married.  It feels dangerous to me because it creates this dating culture where men can have a woman, be in love with her, find all the qualities and values they would love in a wife and mate, and yet be willing to trade that all in for a date on Friday night.

This perceived perception of the #sbw creates a dating culture that has tried to devalue women who have strived to achieve their own goals and desire to be married at some point.  It has tried to cast us in a pool of other #sbw and say.."hey, take your pick."  

We have to know our worth, not in a stuck-up, too-good kind of way, but to know that if what we want is to be married, we will wait for it.  I know what I bring in a partnership to my mate.  I know the value of that.  I know the worth of my crown.  There is no blog article that can group me in the false pretense of vastness that is perceived.  There is a queen in you.

Keep your crown on.

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