Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of surviving. You know that moment when you know God is getting ready to propel you into something you were created for that's bigger than you could have ever imagined? The attack that comes with that is almost unbelievable. That's how I know God is at work.
The movie reel of every mistake I've ever made has been playing over and over. Of course I surrender it immediately, but gosh that glimpse can be hard to cope with. I'm so imperfect, y'all. I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot. I've lived imperfectly. It ain't always been pretty.
Last night in an argument, my ex-husband reminded me that during the height of our marriage falling apart I threatened to kill myself. I have searched every inch of my memory to remember that and I can't recall it. I can't remember every saying that or in what moment I would say that but that's how dark it was. Even though I can't remember it I don't dispute it. People don't realize how much despair one walks through when they are desperate. I feel a need to share this in this moment because I honestly don't remember those words ever being spoken from my lips or those thoughts forming in my head, but I don't want to be that good Christian who is never honest about some of my darkest moments. Who doesn't openly share the valleys I've been through and who sits on the mountain top looking down at those in the valley as if I've never been there.
I've been there ya'll.
That's what this walk is about, isn't it? To live through our valley moments so that when we do get to the mountain top we can use our testimony from the valley to encourage and inspire those living their own valley moments to just keep walking...keep living. I remember when the Psalmist wrote "Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me." Psalm 66:16. There is full life ahead that is so grand you won't even remember just how much despair you really were in. The dark comes to show us just how glorious the light is.
I loved the recent commentary that accompanied that scripture recently:
There is power in our stories. The account of a changed life can give a weary heart hope. You may think that you don’t know the Bible well enough, but we overcome the enemy by the blood of Jesus who forgives our sins, the power of our story and not shrinking back from telling that story. Being a witness is not being an expert; it is telling others what you have seen, felt and heard. We can all do that.
I wholeheartedly believe this. Even though I was reminded of these dark days in an attempt to hurt me, I'm grateful for the reminder. I'm grateful to know that I have walked over glass and through fire but still smiled. We're all surviving something.
I want to thank you for surviving.