My ex-husband welcomed another child to the world last weekend. My son is now a big brother. It's something I've known was coming since Christmas. It's something people don't talk about.
I don't know why. I don't want to live a life unaffected. Journeying through as if major life events don't take my breath away, knock me to my knees, whimpering in bed at night. Life affects me.
I remember when David told me he was having another baby. It felt like a life sentence. I remember abandoning prayers that although separated, our family unit would remain intact. I remember staying silent because it wasn't my story to tell. I remember wearing the narrative like a heavy coat.
I cried. I was mad. Sad. Confused. Angry.
Affected. Why don't people talk about this?
Then one day I woke up at peace. I'm never afraid to do my work. To find the place where love abides. I recognize that we are always, in all ways, healing. Yet this was something I didn't want to have to do. I shouldn't have to do this. Grace doesn't happen overnight.
I don't know why we don't talk about this.
I see the "likes" and "congratulations" and wonder if people have any idea what it takes to get here. If they have any idea the impact this has on a family.
The deep feelings that the world, my world, looks past the affect life has on you. It's like we're all just trying to keep ourselves safe from the trueness of ourselves. Like if we can just look past the process of the journey we don't have to face that it exists. Don't look past my pain...see me in it.
We welcomed a new life into our world last weekend. We are in love already and I want him to have a beautiful life.